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The Hard Thing Rule

Brian Sipotz • Jul 20, 2016

I’m just finishing Angela Duckworth’s new book entitled Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance , and I put this one right up on the shelf with Dweck’s Mindset and Kerr’s Legacy as required reading for any coach, teacher, parent, or manager. The book describes the quality of “grit” and how it may be the best metric for predicting the success rate of West Point cadets, Harvard grads, spelling bee champs, and high achievers from many other realms.  Grit is more than mental toughness (what is that, anyway?). Grit is the dogged pursuit of a long term goal. Something you are passionate about. Something you feel you may never master, but you continue to pursue and improve upon. Grit is a trait that allows people to chase an end goal even though it might be demanding.  The grittiest people tend to treat life like a marathon rather than a sprint, steadily running down their goals instead of going hard only to come up short.

The book contains more great practices than I can implement at one time** but here is one useful idea you can implement today to improve your grit, and help develop it in your kids, athletes, and students.

The Hard Thing Rule: from Angela Duckworth’s Grit

The author describes a rule her family lives by called the Hard Thing Rule. There are 3 parts to this rule

  1. Everyone in the family has to do a “hard thing”. This is something that requires daily deliberate practice. This may be a sport, extracurricular activity, playing an instrument, or addressing a part of your profession that needs improvement. The bottom line is, take on something that is difficult to learn or do, and practice daily.
  2. You can quit this activity, but not until the season is over, the semester has ended, your membership ends, or some other logical stopping point arrives. You have to finish what you begin. You are not allowed to quit on a hard day, like when a coach yells at you, you fail a test, lose a race, or otherwise drop the ball. Once your commitment is done, you don’t have to return that that hard thing, but many times you will because you have gotten a taste of the pride you feel after completing something difficult, and you want to pursue that small victory again.
  3. You get to pick your hard thing. No one else can pick it for you. How can you expect to engage in and find passion for something that wasn’t your idea in the first place?

What a beautiful, simple idea. Not only does this rule encourage kids (and parents) to take on challenges they are not sure of or ready for, but it is also a demonstration of “emotion-free mistake making”, another concept addressed in the book.  Emotion-free mistake making does not assign a judgement or negative value to a mistake, it simply recognizes the mistake and moves on toward a solution.  This is great practice for everyone, and a great way to encourage a growth mindset . Many of the people Duckworth calls “Paragons of Grit” have accumulated massive amounts of failure, but through passion, perseverance and a growth mindset, have risen to be the best in their field.

The Hard Thing Rule is one simple way to begin to grow grit in our families. It allows for the freedom to choose your own pursuits, but also sets the expectation that once started, you will see your commitment through.  Even if it’s hard . This combination of autonomy, purpose, and pursuit of mastery grows organic motivation in our kids, and teaches them to persevere through challenging times and to create the grit that will help them succeed in what they are most passionate about.

** Here’s an idea of how many useful ideas are in this book.  I listen to most of my books on Audible because I can listen during otherwise wasted time driving in the car, or walking the dogs. I can create audio clips that act as highlights so I can go back through and recall important ideas. If I come across a book I find particularly useful, I will also purchase the Kindle edition, so I can actually highlight the text and create a notes page.  I am currently 80% of the way through Grit and the notes page is nearly the entire length of the book.**

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29 Mar, 2022
So far I’ve introduced a little about the “non-diet” approach , as well as the Diet Cycle , which many people find themselves stuck in when using a restrictive “diet” approach to food and health. For some of those people, the idea of eating what they love and “giving up” on diet or weight loss doesn’t seem like an option, understandably. We face a LOT of pressure, day after day, to eat “clean” and lose weight. That pressure may come from well-intentioned family, friends, and healthcare professionals who are concerned about our health (more on that later); or from fear-inducing headlines that compare sugar to poison; or from photo-shopped & face-tuned ads on Instagram of celebrities selling their flat tummy tea or shapewear. We are surrounded by Diet Culture, and are forced to engage with it- no matter if it’s coming from our loved ones, acquaintances, coworkers, or even strangers. What exactly is Diet Culture? You might have an idea just from the sound of it... Messaging that promotes diet & weight loss. Right? It’s actually more than that. Here’s a definition from Aubrey Gordon, author of “What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat”: Diet Culture: “A system of cultural beliefs and practices that equates thinness not just with health, but with moral virtue, and which advocates for weight loss at any cost. Diet culture isn’t just a matter of being on a diet, but of the social forces that make dieting (or lifestyle changes or wellness) culturally mandatory for so many of us.” The key phrases are “moral virtue” and “weight loss at any cost”. Diet culture doesn’t only convince us that weight loss is necessary (to be beautiful, to demonstrate our worth, or to be healthy); but it creates this pressure that we are MORALLY obligated to do so. In order to be perceived as good, responsible people, Diet Culture urges us to pursue weight loss at any cost- which could mean sacrificing our social life, a significant amount of money on supplements or meal replacements or programs, our emotional wellbeing, and even our physical wellbeing. Maybe diet and weight loss aren’t so healthy after all… And while this may not be everyone’s experience, we have research that demonstrates the following emotional impacts of restrictive dieting: Dieting is associated with higher anxiety levels (Kwasnicka, 2020) Dieting is associated with poorer emotional and mental quality of life (Burns etal, 2001) Dieting is linked with reduced life satisfaction (Esch and Zullig, 2013) Further, restrictive dieting has actually been found to cause weight GAIN. To be clear, weight gain is nothing to be ashamed about (bodies change!); but if the multibillion dollar diet industry is selling a diet plan for weight loss, they’re not exactly being honest about the likely outcomes. 1⁄3 to 2⁄3 regained weight within 1 year, with almost all weight regained within 5 years (1992 NIH Consensus) Most weight is gained back within 2 years and most gained back all the weight by 5 years (2013 Australian Research Council) A team of UCLA researchers reviewed 31 long term studies on the effectiveness of dieting and concluded that dieting is a consistent predictor of weight gain —up to two-thirds of the people regained more weight than they lost (Mann 2007) This quote from Weight Watchers former Finance Director sums it up pretty well:
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Good morning! Thank you to everyone who came out to Break the Diet Cycle presentation. I hope you’re starting today feeling curious about Intuitive Eating and eager to rediscover your favorite foods in a fresh, positive way. I attached the PDFs of the presentation for you to reference, as well as the “HAES (Health at Every Size) Manifesto”, by Dr. Lindo Bacon, author of Health at Every Size. This provides a snapshot of the science behind the weight neutral approach, Health at Every Size, which Intuitive Eating is aligned with. For those of you who couldn’t attend, you may be wondering- what exactly is Intuitive Eating? As I mentioned in an earlier newsletter, Intuitive Eating is a non-diet approach to food and health. The framework consists of 10 principles to help you examine and reevaluate your beliefs & attitudes about your body, your food, physical activity, health, and more. While practicing Intuitive Eating, individuals relearn how to eat in accordance to their natural hunger and fullness cues; food cravings; energy needs, and so on. They begin to trust their body to tell them when to eat, what to eat, and how much to eat. The Ten Principles of Intuitive Eating are: 1. Reject the Diet Mentality 2. Honor Your Hunger 3. Make Peace with Food 4. Challenge the Food Police 5. Feel Your Fullness 6. Discover the Satisfaction actor 7. Cope with Your Feelings without Using Food 8. Respect Your Body 9. Exercise to Feel the Difference 10. Honor Your Health with Gentle Nutrition Intuitive Eating may seem like a straightforward concept, but in a culture that heavily promotes dieting and weight loss as a path to health, happiness, and even moral virtue, it can be hard to break out of the Diet Cycle (seen below). Also known as the “Restrict-Binge Cycle”, this eating pattern is typically kicked off by some diet thought, like “I need to lose weight” or “I need to start eating better”.
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